I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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