I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
