One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
