Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
