Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
