she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
