she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
