think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
