I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
