So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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