So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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