Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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