Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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