OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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