I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
