Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
