i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
