6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
