i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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