I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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