i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
