Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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