Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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