my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
