Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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