What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
