and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
