She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
