Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
