He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
