this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
