Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
how drunk are you?
Several
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
