help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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