Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
