i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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