There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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