if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
