Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
