Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
