What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
