I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Couch. On fire.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
