besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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