just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
