I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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