Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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