I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I could make wine with my vomit
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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