dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
