he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
