Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
