I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
