Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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