that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
